[MUSIC] When I asked my assistant to be more careful to ensure everything needed was in the correct folders, she sincerely responded, I'll try harder. Just as we should not give vague directives to our direct reports like be more careful or try harder, we should see a red flag waving when they say it. What specifically will they do? And as you can imagine, this did not work. I took two preparing to leave earlier going through everything she handed me first. I figured she's just too distracted to get it right, I'll deal with it. Until one day, I just did not have the time to double check. I'm running out, she hands me a package. You're sure these are the ones for the group. Yep, absolutely, I double checked. She assures me, I get to the site, open the packet. And yep, not the right materials. By the time I got back to the office, I realized I need to figure out what's going on. I asked her to meet with me to discuss the problem. She came in apologizing, breathless. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I know how important this was and I was so sure. I handed you the right packet, but I did not want her to feel badly. I wanted to be able to count on her. So I suggested we go over the process for putting together the packets. The process seems solid. Clearly, something else is missing. She seemed hesitant and I had a feeling there was more to the situation than logistics. So I asked, is there anything I'm doing that makes it difficult for you to do this? And she replied, well, it's just that you're so intimidating. I don't think I had ever been more surprised. I never had thought of myself as someone who might intimidate anybody. Can you help me understand that? I asked, well, you're just so put together. You talk fast, you walk fast. I can't keep up. I'm afraid to ask questions, sometimes I just guess what you want. When you ask me for something, I'm so sure I'm going to get it wrong that I do. Well, I did not want her to feel intimidated at work even if she got everything right all the time. What can I do to change that? I asked, after this conversation and many others, she and I developed a wonderful working relationship. I learned to slow down a bit and she became more comfortable asking questions. We rarely had any more mix ups. Diagnosing takes more time and discipline than does jumping straight to solutions. But in coaching conversations, we seek to develop the other person. When we solve problems for them, we not only lose the chance to teach them to think for themselves. But also we might be providing solutions that work for us, but not for them often. We're so sure we know what somebody else should do. You hear people say, you ought to do this or I don't know why they don't just do that. I once had to deliver a difficult message to a group of senior leaders, all of whom were at a higher level in the organization that I was. The company president advised me to go in there with both guns blazing. This metaphor means forcefully, aggressively or enthusiastically, given that the message was negative. Clearly, he did not mean for me to be enthusiastic, but forceful aggression is not my style. And as I would be not only the youngest and lowest level employee in the room, but also the only woman in the room. I felt unsure how to approach the meeting. I chose to be assertively direct, stating the negative message clearly, but not pointing fingers and I suggested ways we could work together to overcome the issue. In a follow up meeting I had with the president, I was worried he would be disappointed that I had not acted as he had recommended with the senior leaders. He said, well, Alyssa, I was hoping for fireworks, but maybe your way works better. Several of them have mentioned they're looking forward to working with you on the resolution. Our advice might be right for us, but not necessarily for another person. Moreover, some problems solve us. One day, I picked up my sixth grader at the school bus and he said of his teacher. Mrs. Jones is a genius. Yeah, I said, why is that? We had a math test today and I got completely stuck on the last question. I was supposed to figure out where the line crossed the x-axis. I calculated the slope over and over again, and I couldn't figure it out. I had to leave it blank at lunch. I thought maybe it crosses the x-axis at zero. But then at recess, I was playing football. And as I caught a pass, I thought no it doesn't cross it zero, maybe it crosses at infinity and then I felt better. I thought, well, that's got to be the answer, I should have written infinity. Then on the bus, I was looking out the window and I realized the line will not cross the x-axis at infinity. Because infinity implies a number somewhere out there and the line will not ever cross the x-axis? And that's the answer, when will the line cross the x-axis? Never, what a genius I agree Mrs jones is a genius. She gave him a math problem that was frustrating that forced him to struggle and it was the struggle with the problem that taught him to think about math in an entirely different way. There is learning on the other side of struggling with the problem during the learning stage? Focus on your own learning as much as the coaches instead of asking what about this? What about that? Have you thought of this? Have you tried that ask, how have you tried to solve this so far? What might have been in the way of that solution working what experiences do you have that are similar where you had success? Can you apply any learning from that experience here? What other concerns do you have? Listen to their answers? The coach should offer their own ideas. Only if the coach, he cannot think of any solutions to their challenge or ways to approach the opportunity being discussed. Many new coaches at this stage are so sure they know the right answers and solutions, but they're so careful not to say. Because they know they're supposed to be developing the coach E. And next thing, they're asking questions that are obviously devised to lead the coach e to the coaches answer. The coachee can tell there's some quote right answer and they need to guess it. If after developing new knowledge and answering open questions designed to get the coach e to think the coach, he still does not have any ideas. You as the coach can state your own, but just state them. Don't try to get the coaching to guess them, make clear they are ideas not directives and recognize that the coachee might be able to modify your ideas to better fit them. So you could say, if it were me, I would take a course. Would you consider searching for one that would help you build skills in this area or one idea is to talk to the other team leads to see if they've had this problem before. I bet they have some ideas that could work for you, would you be comfortable doing that or I found this process to be most efficient might it work for you? If these sound tentative, it's because coaching conversations are not demand conversations. That doesn't mean as a manager, you cannot make demands on your direct reports. When you do, you choose to state exactly how you want them to implement that demand or you could coach them through how to implement your demand in their way. You do not always have to coach. A manager could say, complete this process by noon and follow standard operating procedure or you can follow any procedure that works for you as long as you complete this process by noon. Would you like some coaching on ways to get it done both quickly and right? Remember when you're coaching, you are in an interactive conversation during which both people learn and teach. During the learning stage, you and the coachee are diagnosing together. You're digging into underlying causes of a problem or brainstorming on an opportunity. And you as the coach are not the holder of all information, all knowledge, all answers. You are creating wisdom. You as the coach have provided a space where both of you can take risks, test out new ideas, examine things in different ways. Information privately held by one or both of you has space to bubble up and be understood, and influence decisions. And from that, you'll develop next steps. Sometimes, that means you devise a solution or you make a decision and sometimes the steps are directed toward getting more information before finalizing answers. The learning stage is over when you have exhausted all that you both know have made a decision and have a plan delineated that will implement it.