[MUSIC] Kim Scott, author of Radical Candor said one of the worst things about managing people, is that you're going to learn your most important lessons and you're going to make your most important mistakes on the backs of other people. So it's really important to learn quickly and to learn from other people's mistakes. In these next videos will learn from Joe Marta and it's managers mistakes. Why doesn't the manager asked Joe directly to complete the inventory. Usually I hear answers like, the manager didn't want to come across is rude. The manager was trying to be nice. The manager did not want to sound too demanding. Joe might be older than the manager or have more experience and it's awkward and uncomfortable to ask for things. So the manager tried to soften it or the manager wants to be participative. They were inviting Joe to offer his opinions. He said yes, so that should mean Joe was on board. Well, a lot of this is about wanting to be perceived as nice and that is because many of us want to be liked. But what does it mean to be nice at work, go ahead and google it. You will get over five billion answers and I am not exaggerating, I did it. Most of the responses are contradictory. Headlines from some well known sources include being too nice at work can backfire, the problem with being too nice, being nice can hurt your career, being honest and nice at work actually works, 17 random ways to be kind at work and why it matters and on and on. And there's the book on negotiations, The Power of Nice. One reason all of these articles and books offer such opposite views, is that each source defines nice differently. The articles that are anti nice use words like passive, saying yes when you mean no, sugarcoating important messages. I have to admit that I used to say to my students, this course is not about being nice, I don't care if you're nice, I'm not selling nice. And my point was much like these articles, don't be weak. The articles that promote nice sniffs at work, use words like inclusive, compassionate, warm. Now that I can get behind, I think the miss in defining the word nice is causing us most of the confusion. The actual definition of nice is pleasant, agreeable, enjoyable. When Joe's boss says, what would you think about doing an inventory count on the first three warehouse aisles this week, instead of waiting for the full inventory next week. His intention is to get the inventory done while also conveying to Joe that he is a pleasant and agreeable person to work with. Research by Casciaro and Lobo showed that when we have to make a choice between working with someone highly competent but not pleasant to work with and someone less competent but pleasant, we choose the latter. Here's their breakdown. They say that at work we have the competent jerk, who knows a lot but is unpleasant. The lovable fool who is less competent but likeable. The lovable star who is both capable and likeable and the incompetent jerk who well, that's self explanatory. Of course, everyone wants to work with the lovable star and nobody wants to work with the incompetent jerk. The biggest challenge with being seen as pleasant and competent at work comes when there are cultural expectations for different groups. In many parts of the world, we have different expectations for women than men. In some countries, we expect different behaviors from people from different casts, ethnicities and religions. In many places, behaviors that are considered both pleasant and competent for the dominant group are not the same for those who are in the minority. I once worked in an apartment where all of the executives were male except me and the few women who worked there were secretaries or clerks. My boss told me I was too nice. He said Alyssa, every time I look in your office there are people talking to you. It's like you want everyone to want to do what you want them to do. Just demand they do what you tell them to do and move on. So I changed my style. I got more demanding and aggressive, when I left there and went to another company that was nearly all female. My boss said Alyssa, you're too cold. The team feels like you don't care about them at all. You just tell them what to do without any discussion. As Alicia Menendez, author of the Likability Trap says, as a woman you will either get feedback that you are too warm, everyone likes you but people don't think you have what it takes. Or a woman who asserts herself, who lobbies for things will often be told that while she has what it takes to lead, she needs to tone it down unless she ruffled too many feathers. Instead of changing myself to fit into what my first boss wanted. I could have said to him, you said the other day that you appreciated that I run this place like a well oiled machine, getting work out of the team faster and more efficiently than the previous team lead. Now you seem to be saying my style is inefficient, so what I'm hearing is, my leadership methods are different but they are working, is that accurate? Nice and likeable can be highly situational and culture. They're often about whether our behavior fits with the expected norms where we work and sometimes those norms differ from members of different groups. I hope to share some ways of communicating that will enable you no matter who you are or where you are, to be perceived as the lovable star. That's my goal. There are two things I would like to highlight as they relate to the story about the inventory. You cannot be the lovable star, if you are not competent and you cannot be competent unless the people who report to you, do the work you need and expect them to do. So what we're really talking about here is getting others to do their work in a way that does not leave them seeing us as unlikeable. And two, the authors define likeable as pleasant to work with, that is not the same as confusingly indirect. If you are worried, you will not be liked. If you tell people directly what to do, then know this being considered both likeable and competent at work is not about whether anyone wants to go out for a beer with you. Likeability means you are pleasant to be around, you treat people with respect and dignity, you honor other people's time and commitments and you confront non-confrontationally. And only when you have to and all of that can be taught even as we make some adjustments in the style of how we communicate to adapt to our cultures. So do you want to know what the manager could have done that might have netted a better result with the inventory. Watch the next video
